. NO my God this place was sooooo stupid. Before I even find a parking spot I see a lady with her stomach in a wheel barrow rolling down the parking lot. "This is going to be fun" I think to myself. When we walk in the door I see a huge sign "Welcome To Paradise" Really? We are then literally wrangled, like cattle, (with 20 other people) to the cash register.
. Why the hell is this place so crowded? We then spend the next 10 minutes trying to find a table for 6...this place is packed, and the fact that most of the customers require 2 chairs didn't help. Finally our waitress "Rapunzel" finds us a table. Just a sec "baby" let me clean this off. After a few more "sweet hearts" and "honeys" she lets us sit down, she was nice. Now it's time to eat.Literally this place has EVERYTHING. On my first trip I am completely overwhelmed. One, I almost decided to not eat when I had to a. go through 3 plates before I found one that didn't have remnants of the previous herds dinner on it and b. seeing the knife and fork scratches on the plates made it all to real as to how many people had used this plate...ugh. I opt for fried coconut shrimp, fried shrimp, fried fish and a taco. If you couldn't tell there weren't many non-fried options. Everything was pretty tasteless and the taco-meat was...well
was looking really good. Before I even begin to eat I'm wishing I could be a fly on the wall to watch my wife. She thinks buffets are gross and has no tolerance for stupid people so I knew it was going to be great. She returns to the table with a tossed salad (get your mind out of the gutter) and a biscuit. She says that first she dropped her fork and homeless man (probably the manager) picked it up and gave it back to her as if she should/could/would??? still use it. After that, a woman in front of her turned and burped in her face..."ohh, sorry she said". I love women that burp at the buffet.
After hearing this, and the fact that my shrimp and tacos sucked, I couldn't wait to get back and see what would happen for me. Before I got I up surveyed the room. JACKPOT! Literally every chair had someone that was sooo ridiculous that I started making mental notes. For instance...the table in front of me...let's just chalk that up to inbreeding. I recognized the woman? at the head of this table from the buffet earlier...when the employee in charge of preparing the steaks asked "how would like like it prepared?" she responded with "I don't won't it cooked that good." WTF...medium rare? I also recognized her daughter who had the worst odor of anyone I have ever been around. She smiled at me at the salad bar, too bad I'm married, and her teeth and gums were sooo nasty/swollen
, that as much as I wanted ranch dressing I opted to do without b/c I couldn't touch the ladle after she had...does that make me an ass...or maybe smart???To the left sat my favorite family in the group. These people looked MEAN
. The only guy in the group gave me the stank eye when I looked at his "woman". Did he really think I was interested...first she had no teeth, well maybe a few, and second...the tattoo on her neck summed up both her look and personality. On her neck in a beautiful feminine script..."Rough" To avoid stank eye skank I went to get dessert, Rough's mother came behind me and got to the soft serve before I could. She had on acid washed jeans, house shoes and a shirt that had "Baby Gurl" printed on it 3000 times. "You go ahead baby girl, get that soft serve" I thought to myself. Well, she ruined my dessert b/c while I'm waiting for her to finish...the ice cream doesn't "cut off" and fall into her bowl so she proceeds to "scissor it" with her fingers touching both hers and what would've been mine. "Don't tell" she whispers. Don't tell who I thought...the manager that thought Jess should use that fork...like he would care.At that point I just give up...none of it is worth eating anyway...that's when the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life came over the sound system. "Welcome Golden Corral Guests, your friends at Golden Corral would like to wish Sadgirl McDiabeetus a happy 22nd birthday, happy birthday girl!" You've got to be kidding me, what person comes here on their birthday??? At that point we all looked at each other and got up to leave...the only good thing about this place is you pay when you get there so you can run away w/o having to wait for the check.
As I walk to my car I see
, so I immediately text my buddy who is getting married next month, just so he is aware of all of his reception options. As I pull out of the parking lot I see a sign that reads "I buy un-opened diabetic test strips". Talk about knowing your target market.
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