Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Fatherhood: The Beginning

So...I'm still pretty new to this whole "Dad" thing (above is my son and I's first fist bump) and while it's without question the best thing that has ever happened to me, no one told me how stupid I sounded when I said/acted like I was prepared...Really? So I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned in these first few months that are more valuable than wipe warmers or nipple shields (2 things I'd never heard of a year ago).

Nice to meet you: Now, I've watched enough Maury in my day to realize that every man has different expectations of what Fatherhood will bring.....
 For me, I thought that when Shepherd arrived he and I would instantly click, I'd hear angels sing, burst into tears while jumping for joy, and have this perfect moment. I never thought about the fact that I would be wearing a space suit (shoe covers included), face mask, surrounded by beeping machines and strangers, my wife in the middle of a serious surgery...oh and not to mention that this perfect little boy is a complete stranger. Yes, I'd been waiting anxiously for 39 weeks to meet him, I couldn't even sleep the night before he was born because I was so excited, but he still looked up at me like who/what the heck are you? So, the initial moment wasn't what I expected and before you know it the first night was over. We were blessed to have our families there chomping at the bit to meet him. During his first bath I felt like an animal at the zoo...
So it's midnight on the first night and Jess and I have decided that we are super parents and will keep Shep with us in the room. "Why would anyone send their sweet new baby to the nursery?" we asked. Fast Forward 2 hours, we've both been up for what seems like 3 weeks so we call the nurse to come pick him up. New Parents Fail! The rest of the hospital visit is a blur, rarely anytime alone and  nurses nurses and more nurses! Her nurse, his nurse, the cleaning nurse, the nurse that brings the food (but it took 4 hours for me to get a blanket). So as I'm carrying my boy out to the car I think "When we get home he and I can really get to know each other!" By this point I've already convinced myself that I'm the worst dad ever and  feel sorry for Shep being dealt such a crummy hand in the father department.

Lesson: In a nutshell, it took me a few weeks to really bond with the little guy...and that's ok. New/Future Dads, don't put any pressure on yourselves. Those first few days are so special and will fly by, just enjoy them for what they are and everything will work out!

Who is this Woman?: My wife is a rock star and really did very little complaining throughout her entire pregnancy. That said, once she was admitted to the hospital she became a different person. She was calm, stress free and very go with flow, words that wouldn't typically be used to describe Jess.  (<---what does that even mean) I was just going with it and then I realized she was completely drugged! Remember in college, you see someone in the middle of the week and they know you but you've never seen them in your life because you met them after midnight the previous Saturday... that's Jess's memory of the hospital; blurry at best.
Lesson: Guys, make sure you pay attention. Hopefully the hospital staff will keep track of everything but in our experience we had the whole spectrum of nursing staff from please move in with us to Do Not come back in our room (I really had to kick a rude nurse out of our room).

Sleepless Marriage (get your mind out of the gutter): So we've got our sweet boy home and Jess and I are both infatuated with him! That combined with the fact that he wasn't quite catching onto nursing led to us coming to the conclusion that we should both get up with him every time he woke up. Terrible idea! There was a pivotal lack of sleep moment around 3am on the 2nd night that Jess gave me this look... and I was pretty sure if murder was legal...well this blog would've never been written.
Lesson: Tag team the night time sessions and NEVER, under any circumstance complain about anything. Guys, I'm on your side and realize that you're completely justified but you can't have a rational discussion with a sleep deprived new mom.

Those are some of the stand outs things I've learned but most importantly; make sure you soak it all in. Those first few weeks fly by and while everyday if more fun that the previous...I still feel like he's growing up too fast. They say time flies when you're having fun and I'm having the time of my life!...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Dear Shepherd...

Today is the BIG DAY. Jess and I are ready to enter a new chapter in our lives and I can't wait to meet the star character! We've been soo blessed with such amazing family and friends supporting us along the way, this little guy doesn't know how lucky he is! I wrote this letter to Shepherd a few weeks ago and while he may never read it, I'll think of it often to make sure I hold myself accountable and give him everything I promised, and hopefully more.

I found it very difficult to find the right words to say to you, someone that I’ve never met, yet love so much. I’m so nervous, it’s as if I’ve been holding my breath for 9 months. Every day I ask your Mom if you’re moving around “enough” and I’ve been praying for you day and night since I found out you were on the way. You’ll be here any day now and my life will be forever changed for the better; I’m so excited, over the moon actually. I’m looking forward to meeting you and helping you on your journey to become the man I already know you can be; a kind man, full of integrity, compassion and the ability to laugh at yourself. A confident man that doesn’t judge others and is respectful of women. There is a truckload of things I want to teach you, things that we can learn together, and I'm sure you'll teach me just as much! I know that God made me the man I am, gave me the life that I’ve lived with the struggles I’ve faced, for you. I hope that I can help you to know that God and I love you unconditionally...always, and that it’s OK to fail and to cry. That being nice to people is invaluable and that it’s OK to be silly. I want you to be confident and happy, generous and loyal. I want you to tell the truth and keep promises, dream the biggest dreams and be a good friend. I can’t wait to teach you how to tie your shoes, ride a bike, give a firm hand shake, and more importantly a great hug! I look forward to teaching you  how to throw a ball, swing a tennis racquet and give you the confidence to show the world your dance moves. I want you to know how important it is to have good manners, be a gentleman and to always do what is right, even when it’s difficult. I want you to be the type of man that other men respect, women are comfortable around and a leader that people follow because they want to.  I want to teach you how to appropriately handle your anger, manage your finances, and the importance of being a good listener. I am looking forward to teaching you to cook, shave, have fun, tie a tie, shoot a free throw, cut the grass, work hard, change a tire, cherish your family, love life, respect your mother, be a spiritual leader, a lifelong learner and a man of God. Most important, I hope that I can teach you how to live, by giving you a strong example to follow. I know that being your father will make me a better man and I can’t wait to be your dad for the rest of my life!
I Love You So Much Buddy,

Your Dad.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Really? Black Friday Nutjobs!

In a temporary moment of insanity, I decided it would be a good idea..."fun" even, to go out Thanksgiving night and do all the Black Friday stuff in an attempt to get a 46in. TV for $298 at Target. Sounds normal right...well here is a quick bit of history...
Until 2 thanksgivings ago, every holiday since I was 17 has been spent working in retail and I HATED Black Friday, everyone that shopped,  well I hated everything about this time of year. Once I got out I swore I would NEVER again be out in that mess and there I stood, like a big twat, waiting in line with all the other losers on Thanksgiving night.

I left my family dinner and decided to stop by Target just to see if there was a line...it was only 9:30 so I didn't think anyone would be there (see above). After seeing that line I thought...no way will I get that TV but I decided to stand there anyway. Jess dropped me off and armed with 2 cans of luke warm coke to keep me hydrated and awake I took my place in line. I had no intention of making friends with anyone around me...after all, these were the people I hated only a few years ago...and here I was standing arm and arm with them singing Christmas carols and talking about all the great deals we were about to score. OK, so really that's not true but I did make black Friday friends with those around me...mostly so that if I fell and was being trampled they may kick me out of the way.

The couple behind me called themselves Black Friday Professionals, i.e. dumb asses. She explained that they do this every year...one year even bringing their 18 month old out in the snow in order to get the "sympathy vote" of other shoppers. Ummm, can someone please call . Me...being the unprofessional shopper that I am, hadn't even looked at the ads, so when I asked if I could look at the one she had brought, she said yes but when she handed it to me it was twisted so tightly that it made a sharp point...I'm assuming so she could use it as a dagger, that i just thanked her and handed it back...handle first of course
. The people in front of me seemed normal...except that they had brought a coffee pot, chairs, two blankets and a board game so whenever they said something to me I pretended to be deaf.
Around 10:45 I thought about leaving...there was NOTHING else I could make small talk about and none of my friends were responding to my  words, and I was cold. Then, a target employee started walking down the line. You see, it had been explained to me that were to be handed out for door buster items. When he gets to me, I'm pumped to get my ticket for the TV and he says "Sir, would you like a snack". Really? I took the snack, a yummy chocolate covered peppermint bar...FOR WOMEN. WTH? Of course this sends all of the "gentlemen" around me into a fit of laughter, talking about how "I aint growin no boobs" & "what if I get my period"...which that was a valid point b/c there wasn't even a place to go the bathroom, let alone deal with that. I just kept my mouth shut and put the estrogen bar in my coat pocket with my cokes that...due to the bathroom issue, had remained unopened.

In an attempt to drown out the boisterous laughter and discussions about whether the bar can really make you develop breast, I start to reflect on how poor I am. I could have purchased this TV yesterday for $500.00 but instead I decide to wait in line for 4 hours, in the cold, with people I would rather not talk to, to save $200. Sad sad day. Given, $200.00 is right at 1/2 of my annual salary but still...pathetic. Then I started to think that maybe I shouldn't even spend $300, I mean we do have a baby on the way...and then I realized I'd left my wallet in the car. (Remember Jess dropped me off). UGH! So I call Jess, and as I'm asking her to bring me my wallet, I see a new Target employee handing out the actual tickets!

This is it! As I stand there anxiously awaiting my ticket, watching the guy get closer and closer, I decide that it's been worth it. Then he hands me my ticket...which turns out to be a coupon for .50cents off a box of chocolate covered peppermint bars for women. At this point I was glad I had given the paper dagger back to my neighbor. Jess shows up at 11:45, gives me my wallet and we wait for the doors to open. At Midnight, the doors open and the cattle are herded into the store...

 It was literally the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed. In line outside women are cussing at each other. "Touch my kid again and I'll show you black Friday bitch" What does that even mean? An old woman "looking for her grandson" was trying to cut line and was thrown to the ground. From the back of the line, someone yelled  and I never saw the old woman again.

Once we made it inside I made my way to the TVs...there were 5 left (of only 10) and it turns out you did have to have a ticket; thanks for telling me Target. At this point people are threatening death to the employee guarding the TVs, I on the other hand, admit defeat...realize I am an Idiot and am at home with the biggest glass of red wine known to man by 12:30..

In hindsight, it really wasn't THAT bad, it made for a good story and I got to see what Christmas is all about...skanks waiting in line, trampling each other, and cussing out retail employees, all in the name of saving money that they probably shouldn't be spending anyway. Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Fall 2011 TV. The good, the bad, and the really?

Sadly, because I'm a HUGE loser, one of my favorite times of year is when new shows premier in the fall. Currently my DVR is at 88% which can partly be blamed on my renewed obsession with ! The rest of the dvr, other than the 20 hours of  that my wife and I have stocked piled, is new fall programming. The pilot episode of any show is never amazing (except Modern Family) but there has to be that moment where you like a character or you laugh out loud...if that hasn't happened by the 2nd episode (1st episode if it's an hour long show) I'm out! Here is how the current fall line up is looking.

 is one of my favorite new shows. I would love pretty much anything Ms. Applegate does and Mya Rudolph literally makes my stomach ache the next day! The good thing about this show is that the comedy doesn't seemed forced and when Mya said "Edge of Seventeen" in the pilot episode, I literally re-watched that clip 10 times. I see it being around for a while! Another great new show, my wife's favorite, is . Different, quirky, and funny in it's own way, Zooey isn't afraid to look like an idiot which makes for great tv!

 is one that I wrote off just based on the story line, but it has its moments. The bad/dirty girl meets heiress thing is kinda played out but it has its moments and since CBS has nothing else on except Survivor, I think it will make it...but no more than one season. Chelsea Lately employee Whitney Cummings produces broke girls...and also stars in  which seems to be getting good reviews but I tried to watch it and within in the first 2 segments the series recording was deleted from the DVR. EWW
 is probably my favorite new Fall show, and if the picture doesn't explain why, it's because rachel bilson makes me look like I have rabies. . The show is decently written, and is an easy, feel-good hour of tv. To say that Bilson is likable is an understatement.
 had me before it even premiered. Emily Vancamp, a transplant from one of my fave shows ever,  stars in this very well written, unpredictable drama, no humor here but its addictive! Speaking of Brothers & Sisters (RIP) I knew ABC had to put an excellent show in that time slot, and they did.  is great!It makes me wish I lived in that era where people dressed up to take a flight! Theshow has an obvious "mad men" feel that I love and newbie Margot Elise Robbie  is a dead ringer for a young  and...I ain't mad! Another show that I thought was going to do well but has already gotten the AX was . I blame this in part to being a poorly done mad men knock off, as well as not great writing...to bad b/c it could've been great. Really, I think it was the curse of that killed the show. Playboy club will soon to be joined by, Free Agents, How to be a gentleman, hopefully Whitney and Unforgettable. Also, even though I'm a fan of her,  was lame and looked as though it was filmed on a $4 budget.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Arresting Beauty...incredible Fugshots!

The Sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home...8 sad Amish billy goats were arrested in Graves Co. Kentucky for refusing to put reflectors on the back of their wagons. Unlike the "uppity" Amish below, these men believe the reflectors to be "too modern". (conformists!).
 (billy goats).I wish I could say that the men were forced to wear bright orange jumpsuits while serving ther 3-10 day sentences but, the jail offered them a darker alternative after the men refused to wear the orage. Not that it would matter if they went nude, check out the facial hair; can u imagine the amish undercarriage... YIKES!
So, the hall of fame worthy mugshot above led me to searching the web for other awesome mugshots and making up the story behind them!

 Louise Anderson is charged with theft by deception...no one can tell if she's happy or sad...or seductive??see.

 Fa'Rhonda Jones was arrested for attempted robbery after "she?" attempted to pose as a mannequin in order to rob the store after hours.

 Billy Goates was arrested for attempted bestiality for trying to seduce a sheep by wrapping his nasty ass gauged  ears around themselves to make him look more animal like (see amish).

& Thelma and Louise were arrested for prostitution.

 Hoopy Goldberg was arrested for that hair cut.

 The Reigning Mrs. Chalupa was arrested for being a drag and getting in a fight with another pagent girl

 I can see it!

 for impersonating Nicki Minaj!
 Arrested during the middle of her haircut on drug dealing charges. Hopefully she'll get clean in jail...poor thing is only 22, a HARD 22.

 Until today, she was a "FUNctioning alcoholic.

We all know where Timberlake is, JC is on ABDC, Joey gets lame hosting jobs, Lance is gay and that other NSYNC guy incarcerated .

 and I couldn't look at anymore after the queef dressed as a breathalyzer got a DUI.