A Visitors Guide to Winchester

It has been my experience that regardless of where you go in Kentucky...it's all the same. Either I have an uncanny ability to find the most ridiculous people and places or they are so prevalent in this area that they are impossible to miss (I'm going with option #2). Winchester is a great little town, I could go on and on about the great people I met there, JK's cafe, and the beer cheese burger at Engine House deli...but it's not that kind of blog. Instead I'm going to share some of the most amazing things I've seen and suggest some eateries to avoid!

Picture this: a tan, beautiful young woman in a swimsuit, lying on the hood of a tricked out muscle car that's parked in front of a house larger than some cities...not Winchester. Now picture this: A grey 1986 Toyota Corolla parked by a dumpster in the Speedway parking lot, a cokehead in her late 40's (not the same lady that puked on my car) wearing a sequined prom dress sprawled out on the hood of the car. As she continues to pose/go through coke withdrawals the "photographer", who I can only assume is Olan Mills himself, proceeds to take shot after shot on his camera that I'm assuming came new with the car...WINCHESTER!

Now it's lunch time...you're craving Asian. You look at the buffet, looks decent, except NONE of the shrimp have been deveined, gross...so stroll down to the sushi bar...WTF, is that seriously a hot dog chopped up and stuffed in the middle of a ball of rice; Oscar Mayer Roll?...WINCHESTER. (Refer to top paragraph for lunch alternatives).

Now you're at Wal-mart. I can't peg this one on Winchester b/c I think the same people travel around Kentucky going to every Wal-mart. I won't give a description of this person...it'll be more fun for you to just make up what they look like. Here they come, rolling out with 6 24packs of white trash holy water (Mt. dew), a 30 pack of Budweiser and several cartons of "smokes". I quickly realize this person has their shit together and obviously have their priorities in check. As they proceed to unload their loot into the trunk of their car that is missing the entire rear windshield I notice...wait for it...THERE IS A CAR SEAT IN THE BACKSEAT. Ugh, REALLY??

So there you have it, the Winchester visitor's guide, we'll it could be the visitor's guide to Danville, Lexington, Frankfort...basically any other city in the bluegrass state. Happy Travels.

"Their Love was as Mobile as Their Home, and just as carefree"

Stay away from Hersha Howard's Thin Mints!

The Collier County woman was arrested Sunday after a savage beatdown of her roommate over a box of the delicious Girl Scout cookies that were apparently off limits to her kids, according to naplesnews.com.

The brawl began when the 31-year-old cookie monster confronted her sleeping roommate and accused her of eating the box of treats, police said. The roommate told Howard she'd given the cookies to Howard's kids, who were awake and hungry around 1 a.m.

The roommate offered to pay $10 for the cookies, but Howard wasn't having it, and began fighting with the other woman, police said. The roommate's husband pulled Howard off her so she could escape, but Howard took off after her.

According to a police report, Howard grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened the woman. When the woman started to run down some stairs, Howard allegedly dropped the scissors, picked up a board and hit the woman as she ran down the stairs.

Howard caught up to the woman again and knocked her to the ground and started to hit her. When the roommate managed to get outside the house, Howard grabbed a sign and started hitting her again, police said.

Police finally arrived and arrested Howard, charging her with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

No word on what dessert was served in jail.  Best Line Ever!

Really????1. Where are you living that there are random boards and signs just lying around waiting to be used as murder weapons??? 2. I mean who doesn't love girl scout cookies but...I pray you weren't sober when this happened.

Yard Vomit 2, puppies for sale.

It's January and Bruce Bruce (made up name) has removed all of the Christmas mess from the house. I'm thinking that I won't get to see another episode of my reality show until the weather warms up or maybe at Easter...WRONG. BB opens the door and out of nowhere 9 dogs run out. BB sheepishly hobbles out to the end of the drive way and hammers a sign into the ground. Daschund Puppies for Sale. Then I noticed that he cowered and looked toward the window, Kathy Bates peeped through the blinds and spent the next 10 minutes "correcting" his mistakes until the for sale sign was "perfect". He then hobbled around the yard for the next 30 minutes trying to get all of the dogs back in the house, he got all but one in, finally grabbed the last puppy, and she opened the door and they all ran back out...so she yelled at him, REALLY?. We make it through Valentines Day with minimal activity due to the weather and I'm assuming a giant heart flag is appropriate enough for February. Yesterday, 2 St. Patty's day flags are laying in the grass, she "walks" outside with her cane and her "grabber" (a long stick with a claw on the end of it) and picks up the flags. She screams for Bruce Bruce to come out and '"fix my flags!" He gets the leprechaun flag up no problem, but the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow gives him some trouble, when it falls into a puddle of mud she beings to beat him with her "beater", formally her "grabber" he hobbles away as fast as he can. Now, one can only assume that she has somehow lured the man into her home (with a puppies for sale sign??) and busted his knee so he cannot get away. I'm anxious to see where this goes, I'll keep you posted.

Yard Vomit

I work in a cubicle...blah, but I'm fortunate in that my cube faces 2 large glass doors that not only let in lots of sunshine, but more importantly give me a great view into the life of the cantankerous, ornery, "out of shape" woman that lives in the house across the street. Before I ever had the pleasure of seeing this person I was very impressed with the thoroughness of her holiday decor. I started working in this office in November and the first thing I saw was an 18 foot tall inflatable Tom Turkey that was literally being filled with air from a jet engine. He had several friends, 4 pilgrims, another turkey wearing a pilgrim’s hat (repetitive??), an inflatable gourd (wtf) and what I assumed was the Mayflower?? Which reminded me of a joke, "If April showers bring May flowers, what to Mayflowers bring??? Pilgrims!!! I bet she would enjoy that joke. Anyway, fast forward, before I can return to work from the 4 day Thanksgiving holiday, everything has either been deflated or the city has removed the eye sore…either way no more turkey. The next morning I follow what I thought was either the light of the north star or Rudolph’s nose to my office…it was neither, if fact it was just the glow of the Christmas Explosion that was now her front yard!! I mean there are lights, wreaths,  ice skating penguins, Santa flying a plane, snow men, snow women, snow people in a snow globe that actually blows snow (again repetitive), reindeer, angels, snow angels, Christmas carolers, Really???. This all made me think...Q) how did that woman do all of that, she can barely make it to her van? Combine the mess of ice and snow that fell in KY during December and early January and the fact that Christmas inflatable’s and winter weather do NOT mix, which I find pretty ironic, and you'll get the answer. A) She doesn't live alone! One morning I see a MUCH younger man hobble (see upcoming post for my reasoning behind his hobbling) out of her front door with a broom. He went inflatable to inflatable, brushing off the snow and ice and restoring them to their former glory. This happened numerous times over the next few weeks...so much so that I didn't know whether to admire the man’s dedication to holiday decorations or feel sorry for him...to be continued.

Vodka & Sesame Street

A few months ago I worked in an office that was surrounded by low income housing. For the most part the people were friendly, not in a how are you today kind of way...more like I'm going to ask you for money but not hit you in the head and take your wallet sort of way. I never had any issue with any of them until one morning I had to leave work early...as I'm walking to my jeep, as beautiful as a new born baby, or a summer sunset, this is what I saw: This skanky woman was literally puking on the front bumper of my jeep! When she saw me she kind of stopped, wiped her meth mouth on her oversized oscar the grouch T-shirt (by the looks of her hair I'm assuming they were roommates??), which matched her Mt. Dew pajama pants surprisingly well (get it girl!), she walked passed me and slurred "I'm puking". REALLY! Ms. Lohan, I know your puking, it's all over my car. That said, in my opinion it's never too early to be drunk, but 9 am is definitely too early to be puking in public, keep it classy ma'm. I'll bring you some alka-seltzer and a water hose tomorrow so you can take a shower and WASH MY CAR!

Egg Salad

So yesterday I overheard the following conversation at work:
Pregnant co-worker: "Where can I get a good egg salad sandwich in this town"?
Crazy old co-worker: "Speedway has great egg salad".

REALLY?!?!?!
My first thought was, are you trying to kill this woman, and her baby?? Personally, I only eat at gas stations on road trips, and even then I stick to the staples, i.e. chips, candy bars, and if I'm feeling brave maybe I'll get a pack of those 2/$1 lemon drops that have been hanging there since before I was born, but that's as far as I'll go. That being said, I have family members that "grocery shop" at Speedway, in fact my father purchased 3 live chickens because "the cost of eggs is going up". Really dad, where are you buying eggs, "Speedway". UGH. Getting back to egg salad, I did something I never thought I'd do...I googled "Speedway nutrition facts", don't ever do that. Listed under SuperMom's Deli, there she was, the egg salad snack sandwich. The nutrition facts weren't as awful as I had expected, however I wouldn't even eat an egg salad sandwich that my sweet little grandma made, let alone one that NeNe/Super Mom, made after she filled those windshield cleaner buckets on her smoke break.