Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Really? Black Friday Nutjobs!

In a temporary moment of insanity, I decided it would be a good idea..."fun" even, to go out Thanksgiving night and do all the Black Friday stuff in an attempt to get a 46in. TV for $298 at Target. Sounds normal right...well here is a quick bit of history...
Until 2 thanksgivings ago, every holiday since I was 17 has been spent working in retail and I HATED Black Friday, everyone that shopped,  well I hated everything about this time of year. Once I got out I swore I would NEVER again be out in that mess and there I stood, like a big twat, waiting in line with all the other losers on Thanksgiving night.

I left my family dinner and decided to stop by Target just to see if there was a was only 9:30 so I didn't think anyone would be there (see above). After seeing that line I way will I get that TV but I decided to stand there anyway. Jess dropped me off and armed with 2 cans of luke warm coke to keep me hydrated and awake I took my place in line. I had no intention of making friends with anyone around me...after all, these were the people I hated only a few years ago...and here I was standing arm and arm with them singing Christmas carols and talking about all the great deals we were about to score. OK, so really that's not true but I did make black Friday friends with those around me...mostly so that if I fell and was being trampled they may kick me out of the way.

The couple behind me called themselves Black Friday Professionals, i.e. dumb asses. She explained that they do this every year even bringing their 18 month old out in the snow in order to get the "sympathy vote" of other shoppers. Ummm, can someone please call . Me...being the unprofessional shopper that I am, hadn't even looked at the ads, so when I asked if I could look at the one she had brought, she said yes but when she handed it to me it was twisted so tightly that it made a sharp point...I'm assuming so she could use it as a dagger, that i just thanked her and handed it back...handle first of course
. The people in front of me seemed normal...except that they had brought a coffee pot, chairs, two blankets and a board game so whenever they said something to me I pretended to be deaf.
Around 10:45 I thought about leaving...there was NOTHING else I could make small talk about and none of my friends were responding to my  words, and I was cold. Then, a target employee started walking down the line. You see, it had been explained to me that were to be handed out for door buster items. When he gets to me, I'm pumped to get my ticket for the TV and he says "Sir, would you like a snack". Really? I took the snack, a yummy chocolate covered peppermint bar...FOR WOMEN. WTH? Of course this sends all of the "gentlemen" around me into a fit of laughter, talking about how "I aint growin no boobs" & "what if I get my period"...which that was a valid point b/c there wasn't even a place to go the bathroom, let alone deal with that. I just kept my mouth shut and put the estrogen bar in my coat pocket with my cokes that...due to the bathroom issue, had remained unopened.

In an attempt to drown out the boisterous laughter and discussions about whether the bar can really make you develop breast, I start to reflect on how poor I am. I could have purchased this TV yesterday for $500.00 but instead I decide to wait in line for 4 hours, in the cold, with people I would rather not talk to, to save $200. Sad sad day. Given, $200.00 is right at 1/2 of my annual salary but still...pathetic. Then I started to think that maybe I shouldn't even spend $300, I mean we do have a baby on the way...and then I realized I'd left my wallet in the car. (Remember Jess dropped me off). UGH! So I call Jess, and as I'm asking her to bring me my wallet, I see a new Target employee handing out the actual tickets!

This is it! As I stand there anxiously awaiting my ticket, watching the guy get closer and closer, I decide that it's been worth it. Then he hands me my ticket...which turns out to be a coupon for .50cents off a box of chocolate covered peppermint bars for women. At this point I was glad I had given the paper dagger back to my neighbor. Jess shows up at 11:45, gives me my wallet and we wait for the doors to open. At Midnight, the doors open and the cattle are herded into the store...

 It was literally the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed. In line outside women are cussing at each other. "Touch my kid again and I'll show you black Friday bitch" What does that even mean? An old woman "looking for her grandson" was trying to cut line and was thrown to the ground. From the back of the line, someone yelled  and I never saw the old woman again.

Once we made it inside I made my way to the TVs...there were 5 left (of only 10) and it turns out you did have to have a ticket; thanks for telling me Target. At this point people are threatening death to the employee guarding the TVs, I on the other hand, admit defeat...realize I am an Idiot and am at home with the biggest glass of red wine known to man by 12:30..

In hindsight, it really wasn't THAT bad, it made for a good story and I got to see what Christmas is all about...skanks waiting in line, trampling each other, and cussing out retail employees, all in the name of saving money that they probably shouldn't be spending anyway. Happy Holidays!


  1. This was a great story. Thanks for sharing. It reinforces my refusal to shop on Black Friday. I hate it with a passion.

  2. Lol i miss u joey...Love da pro pic :)
    I cant believe I actually read this whole thing and
    Im @work, my boss kept asking what I was laughing at.

  3. Loved this, and you are sooo brave. After experiencing two grown men duke it out in Toys R Us a few years back, I've taken to catalog and online shopping for most everything. There's something to be said for a simplier life without all the gadgets. But then I am of a different generation, and thankful that I am.