My new Boss...

Forget the water cooler, Belvedere Vodka cooler, Really? Why is my job not working for her. I mean, I would laugh/drink all day and she takes her staff to Cabo every few months. Ugh. "After Lately" premiered last night...Ridiculous. Maybe one day...until then I'll be helping people who don't want  a job work on their resumes.

3 idiots and a baby...

So, I'm sick of Charlie Sheene. Honestly, I've never been a fan but until now he's been pretty easy to avoid...I mean as long as you’re not a coke dealer, a prostitute (Goddess?? wtf), or watching 2 and a half men you'd never see him. Well apparently his coked-out crazy is rubbing off on the nation’s skanks and sadly some of these people seem worse off than he is.

Skank #1 is from eastern Kentucky of course. A 26 year old man from Hazard got drunk and needed a ride home on Saturday night. Now I myself have been in this situation many times, even drunk I'm aware of my options, a. call my wife and beg her to come and pick me up, b. call a cab or c. get a ride with a friend and sleep my drunk off on their couch (not a good idea after you get married). Apparently there is an option D that I was not aware of...just steal an ambulance. The drunk was pulled over and arrested...he didn't understand why, he simply said" I needed a ride home and planned to return it tomorrow" Really? Loser.

Ballsy Skank #2 is from Ohio and was pulled over for speeding. When the officer asked him if he'd been drinking he literally took a sip from his open beer can and said "Yep". The article went on to say he failed a series of field sobriety tests...well thanks for that I never would've guessed.

Skank of the Year#3 is one of the biggest messes I've ever read about. Mr. Carroll, 36, from L.A. just did a little meth and drove down the highway at speeds in excess of 100mph. WITH HIS WIFE CLINGING TO THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS!!! Apparently she didn't think he was in any condition to drive so she jumped on the hood of the van to make him stop...I mean, she is married to this guy so her intelligence was already in question. One witness was quoted in saying "The woman desperately gripped a windshield wiper blade, her body splayed across the hood of the minivan as it raced down a Northern California freeway in the middle of the night." and the police report states that Mr. Carroll slowed down and his wife was "able to roll off" are you kidding me?? Now here is where the story goes from Really?? to...well there isn't a word for where it went. One week prior to this joyride Police received a phone call from a witness who reported that Carroll had climbed into a 6-foot-deep trash bin in Manteca and was threatening to drown himself in the 5 inches of water that had collected at the bottom. What are you on that makes you want to drown yourself in dumpster water?? Thankfully the attempted murder charge and jail time he faces will help him sober up.

And a baby...nope, she wasn't pregnant. A "pregnant" woman was stopped at the U.S. border where police discovered that her unborn child was actually over 34,000 ecstasy pills hidden in a body suit. Talk about a bundle of Joy. She is too ridiculous to say anything else about.

Client of the week!

Hello Ma'm, how are you today? I asked the woman wearing acid washed jeans and  a "Trick or Tweety Bird" sweatshirt. Really??, it's neither 1985 nor Halloween, get it together. She doesn't respond, which is a fairly common occurrence. So I try another question, which I quickly regretted, What type of work are you interested in? After a slight pause she says..."I just had some dental work done, had all's my teeth pulled right out my head. That dentist I got says my teeth were going to start to poison my blood stream if I didn't get em out!"  Really?, well I wasn't talking about that type of work I was..."I got these temporary dentures on the top but I can't wear the bottom ones, Look! (proceeds to pull down her bottom gum) I got these here implants things, not sure what they're for but sakes alive (??) do they hurt".
Thankfully this happened AFTER lunch or I would not have been able to enjoy my already tasteless "Private Selection" (thanks but no thanks Kroger) turkey sandwich. At this point I give up all hope of finding this woman a job so I just accept my fate and continue to listen to her vividly explain her situation. She asks "You ever tried to eat a garlic bologna sandwich with dentures?" To which I don't even respond, "Well it's tough, I even tried them Poly-grip thangs, nope, my bottom ones still just kept getting stuck in the bologna and falling out." C'mon, what about me makes you think I want/need to hear this. Next was my favorite, she said "After that sandwich I just decided I'd stick to soft foods, so I just find something soft and swallow it whole just like a snake does."
Wow. She directly follows this up with "I'd like to work in a professional office setting." I suggested she speak with "that dentist of hers" to see if he had an openings in his office.

Peaches Seacrest

Last night, for the most part, the girls destroyed the boys. One of the exceptions was opening act, Sideshow Bob's hyphenated cousin Ta-Tynisa. She butchered Rihanna's "Only girl in the world" and Rihanna isn't even a vocalist. Next was the gypsy with too many vowels in her name  Naima Adedapo...she did ok and thankfully got off stage before the train wreck happened. "Train wreck "Rachel Zavita was either cold or working on her magic act (she wore a cape).Not only does she suck, she's that girl that's almost quirky enough to pull of weird outfits but...  well that speaks for itself. Jellyfish hat? Someone should tell Kendra Chantell that if you have 2 stripper names, shouldn't you 1.at least be cute or 2. be a stripper, she's neither (to my knowledge) and can't sing. Karen Rodriguez did an ok job with her spanglish version of "Hero" but I don't see her making the top 5 and Lauren Turner held her own but something about her is just gross...is that mean?? I had high hopes for Haley Reinhart & Ashton Jones, both fell short (Ashton did worse), but I think they both will make top 5. Julie Zorilla has a thing for poofy skirts, is a touch less cute that my new crush PIA!,and butchered a cheesy Kelly Clarkson song but I think her talent (J-Lo asked "winner?") after she auditioned, legs, and beauty will get her in the top 12.Charice I mean  Thia Megia has a really good voice, but I hate Charice therefore I hate her. Once again Idol saved the best for last and Lauren Alaina  (who I've picked from her audition to win) was perfect singing a Reba (who I love) song. She also, being that they are both from Georgia, called Ryan "Peaches Seacrest", she's too cute not too like and has one of the best voices Idol has ever had. Last night Randy said she was a blend of Clarkson and Underwood, superstar! Closing the show was my new gf PIA TOSCANO!  I mean really...super hot and gave the best performance of the night for sure!
Top 5 girls: Lauren A., Pia, Julie, (Ashton, Haley, Thia, or  Naima). I know that's 7 but there weren't many standouts. Hopefully the voting will "trim the fat" and get a big chunk of these losers out of there. That said Vote for the Worst is spot on, choosing Brett (fraggle rock) Lowenstern and Rachel (magic act) Zevita...I hope they don't make it through. Peaches Seacrest...out. 

American Idol Top 12 Guys. Worst Episode Ever.

Last night's American Idol was the worst 1.5 hours of television I've ever seen. With few exceptions, everyone did awful, stupid song choices, weird dancing and...just awful t.v. Starting the descent into hell was cartoon book worm Clint...who cares what his name is he sucked. The next 2 guys were ok, just kind of blah though... but JLo has definitely made the Latin presence known with the top 24 picks. Then came Carrot Top's niece Brett, that looked very similar to an 80's cartoon Icon...he was without a doubt the grossest performance of the night.  In his best Disney princess voice he said" I didn't even realize I was flipping my hair from side to side to side to.."Really?? just shut up. Following that mess came the Usher wanna-be who I already HATED, and the hetero version of Adam Lambert who's ability to scream is actually pretty good. Then some younger versions of Randy Travis &(who I had really high hopes for) sang. I can see both of these two rounding out the top 12. Followed by yet another Latino that fared pretty well in earlier weeks but his Bruno Mars cover was weak sauce. The last 20 minutes of the show were the saving grace, Idol definitely saved the best for last. My favorite guy of the night was Paul McDonald. With a voice similar to Rod Stewarts, extreme likability, natural talent and teeth that shine brighter than Rudolph's nose, I can see this guy making it very far in this competition. Directly after Rod was Jacob Lusk who recently came in 3rd on the 5th season of , but he did not need to "Lip sing for his life", he's got pipes, maybe the best voice of any of the guys...just not my style. Closing out the night was Casey Abrams, who is just different enough to make you like him.
Based on this entire season AND last nights performances, I believe the top 5 guys will be Paul McDonald, Casey Abrams, Jacob Lusk, country boy Scotty McCreery, and  screamer James Durbin. With Robbie Rosen, Stefano Langone, and Tim Halperin being potential wild cards/dark horses.

The Art of Self Deprecation

So, upon a suggestion from my wife, I've decided to write a blog about me. She thinks that if all I do is make fun of other people, readers will think I'm an Ass...so I'll write a blog making fun of myself. Where to start...when I was 4 years old I got in my first real fight...with my sister...that was 2. I ended up in the ER. Now Jessica (my wife) always says she likes that I'm not a fighter, I tend to want to talk things out...that didn't and still doesn't work with girls like my sister. She basically took a hard bound Alvin and the Chipmunks book and tried to bash in my skull (the ER visit came from the direct hit to my right eye). There, first fight, beat up by a girl 1/2 my age. Fast forward to 4th grade when my jean brand of choice went from "Bugle Boy" to whatever you have in size "husky" (fat) and very short. That phenomenal body type, paired with my super sweet tri-color silk jacket, (worn on a daily basis) was one of the worst train wrecks in U.S. history. Now we are in middle school. To say that I was not one of those kids that looked good/normal in middle school would be a huge lie. I was still "chubby", shy, quiet, had hair that a tornado couldn't knock out of place, and pit stains the size of a small island. Needless to say I didn't have any girls following me home from school, and the one girl that did "like" me, broke up with me the day before the Winter Dance due to my out break of poison ivy. Can you blame her??  I think this part of my life played a huge role in my ability to laugh off pretty much everything. I mean, when you get on the bus and sit by the girl you have a huge crush on and she says "Eww" and all but tries to throw herself out the window (she would've made it if it weren't for her backpack), you can either laugh or follow her out that window and hope to land under the bus. So thank you poor eating habits/low metabolism/clothing choices that make you say Really?? Joey, you gave me the sense of humor that I have today.

I'll have a double scoop in a "B" cup please.

 

Local  officials in London England have confiscated ice cream made with human breast milk from a London shop amid concerns the dessert is unsafe.

A spokesperson from Westminster City Council said Monday it was responding to 2 complaints from the public over whether a shop should be selling treats made using other people's bodily fluids and awaiting guidance from Britain's Food Standards Agency.

The official said the ice cream, marketed as "Baby Gaga", launched last week, and was being tested (WTH, Really??? tested for what?)with the full cooperation of The Icecreamists, the parlor marketing the dessert.

Viruses, including hepatitis, can be passed on through breast milk.

REALLY?!?!?!?!

Two things bother me about this...first, why have only 2 people complained and second who the hell-0 kitty was eating that stuff. I'm all for making the most of a situation, especially if I can make a $$ but selling your breast milk to an ice cream shop so they can make a not-so-tasty French Vanilla, Mother's Milk treat...and to think, I thought people that drank whole milk were weird.